I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
