Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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