I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
