imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
