i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize