I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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