I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
