he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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