peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
