Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize