i permit you to call me
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
