if i can run in heels then i can drive
I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
