i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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