I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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