No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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