I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize