lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
