So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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