Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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