My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
