I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
