I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
