Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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