Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize