dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
