Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
