Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
