I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So squirting runs in the family.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
