I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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