I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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