I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
