About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
