I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
