Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
