GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
