btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
