I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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