The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
