My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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