Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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