Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
