i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
