So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
