Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
