I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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