do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
