White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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