Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
