Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
