So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
