Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
