The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My feet surprised me
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