Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
