I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
