he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
