There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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