please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
