I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
