life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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