You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
