dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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