I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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