Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
