Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
