i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
